Relationship Wellness
Monthly Stress Management Article by Angel Martin, MSW, GSW
There are so many facets of a relationship and what it takes to cultivate a fulfilling one. Whether the relationship is with a spouse, parent, child, supervisor, friend, colleague or any other role you play in your life, it takes work to have a “well” relationship.
The corrections field we have chosen - or that chose us - sometimes adds an additional layer of complexity to our relationships being well. We as corrections professionals must learn to find that balance between our careers and our loved ones. It goes without saying that when there is tension and strain with the ones we love the most we have additional stress to deal with. And we all know what stress can do to us and our relationships. This prevents us from being the best we can be in any area of our lives. Let’s look at some hints that may help us:
When you are with the people who matter the most, really be with them. In other words, don’t daydream and think about other things. Make them the priority at that time and let them know they are your priority. This may sound a little strange but most will understand this statement. It is easy to get in that “controlling mode” at work and carry it over into our personal lives. Our families and relationships deserve better.
Remember what we learned in True Colors: our differences can be good and at times should be celebrated. If we are honest, we only need one of each of us. We should not look at different as “bad.” When someone behaves differently from us, we should not assume it has anything to do with us personally. Sometimes it’s simple as an orange and a green!
As our Conflict Resolution classes teach us, conflict does not have to be bad either. We can learn about ourselves and each other if we will take that opportunity.
As has been said many times before, “walk in the other person’s shoes.” Sometimes it just takes a stand in their shoes to gain understanding and isn’t that what leads to improved and positive relationships?
Listen, listen, listen and listen some more! Listen to words, listen to feelings - they are there, we just have to listen under the words for them. Just like we do at our jobs. You as correctional officers listen to inmates and it makes a difference asto whether you really hear what the inmate is telling you about a serious need he may have such as the potentially suicidal inmate. You listen to his or her verbal and nonverbal communication, which prevents suicides. You as nurses listen to medical complaints in order prevent escalating of a medical condition. And the list goes on and on. We need to pay the same level of attention to listening to our loved ones.
Think before acting and reacting. Is this not a critical skill we must have in our daily lives - at work and home? At work it can mean a simple “talk down” versus a “take down.” At home it can mean even more in terms of escalating tempers and out of control behavior. And sometimes to the ones we love the most. STOP and take a breath. You have time.
Last, but certainly not least, offer forgiveness to others and to yourself. This is a gift you give to yourself. It is a release of burden, anger and pain. Remember, it does not mean denying responsibility for behavior. This means forgiveness for others and yourself. As we know better, we do better. Write the things down, read out loud to yourself, “I forgive you” or “I forgive myself.” Then burn the paper and let it go.
Angel Martin, MSW, GSW
Senior Manager, Critical Incident Stress Management
The mission of the Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM) program is expanding to include topics that may be of interest to staff dealing with stress in everyday life, and not just at work. In February - National Wellness Month - we turn our focus to relationship wellness and achieving life balance. As we mentioned in January, we all need to have gratitude and goals. We need life balance in relationships, too. They go hand in hand with helping us be the best person we can be, which also reduces stress.
February 2010